Understanding Shame and 3 Ways to Let it Go

Shame is about secrecy. It’s a painful emotion with the primary purpose of hiding who you really are because it doesn’t measure up with you you think you are supposed to be. You relate to it as feeling like you’re not good enough, it could manifest itself as a worry something is wrong with you. Or it may be associated with overwhelming thoughts of inadequacy, imperfection or insignificance.

Shame is not like guilt. Guilt is a healthy emotion you experience when you do or say something that fails to live up to your moral code or when you don’t meet society’s expectations. For example, if you lied on your tax return, you may feel guilt. Guilt is helpful when it prompts us to correct our poor behavior.

Guilt says: “I did something I didn’t want to do, I don’t want it again, I made a mistake.”

Shame says: “Something is wrong with me, I’m sorry, I am a mistake.”

Guilt can be useful, but we usually don’t stay in guilt. We speed past guilt right into shame. Shame is toxic and unnecessary.

What Causes Shame?

Shame is the result of a flawed self-perception. The root cause could be anything from a difficult childhood filled with neglect or abuse to an addictive habit or behavior. Sometimes we feel shame when we are found to blame because…